The Neejurk

There is a creature alive today that not many people know about – but it is easy to spot if you are looking for it. It is becoming increasingly common, and it’s power seems to be growing at an incredible rate. Some who have studied this creature fear that it is in fact about to take over; devouring it’s prey and multiplying at such a rate that there will come a time when this creature will be all that exists.

The creature is The Neejurk.

So far studies have found it to reside mainly in England, although there are suggestions that it has been active in Spain and Italy for some time also. It’s prominence in England is ever increasing and, fuelled on by numerous facets of the world it inhabits, there seems to be no stopping it. The Neejurk is, even as we speak, on a campaign to destroy football.

Neejurks do not have the capacity for logic, or rational thinking. They act only on instinct, and will never ever question anything they are told. Neejurks feed on information, and need to be provided with information as often as possible – preferably on a 24 hour rolling basis, in HD if at all possible.

They ingest the information by cramming it into their fat, stupid heads; before regurgitating it out of their mouths. Usually the Neejurk will get some of the details wrong when spouting off the tripe that it has been feeding on, but it has an unwavering conviction in the truth and validity of the utter tosh it will come out with.

Neejurks feast on the sensational, and will seek to find a problem whenever they can, even when one blatantly does not exist. They have a lust for blood, and seem to be utterly and infuriatingly incapable of realising when the object of their fury at any one time may be totally contradictory to whatever they wanted a few days ago. The main pastime of the Neejurk is building hundreds upon hundreds of giant pedestals; then, having placed someone on top of them, (usually way too soon and without justification) smashing them down again. To the observer, a stupid and futile exercise that achieves nothing and is self-defeating; to the Neejurk a good day's work.

Neejruks can usually be found at roundabouts. They find these circular, non-directional spaces comforting as choosing any one road would constitute forming an opinion of their own and would also lead them somewhere; the Neejurks are much happier sitting, going round and round in circles, getting nowhere. A particular stronghold for the Neejurk is known to be The Sun Newspaper, however they also thrive on internet forums, radio call-in shows and standing outside football grounds to give interviews while the rest of the world is at work.

The current Soup Du Jour for the Neejurk is Fabio Capello, the England manager portrayed today (hilariously and oh-so-wittily) by The Sun as a donkey. 2 years ago, Neejurks demanded the best man for the job after the failure of Englishman Steve ‘you can’t rush dese things guysch’ McClaren. Now the Neejurk demands an Englishman, “get Fabio out, ‘e ain't got the passion, etc”

Attempting to reason with a Neejurk is highly dangerous and will either result in confusing the Neejurk to the point of spontaneous combustion, or getting chinned.

All is not lost however.

The excellent Football 365 today declared war on the Neejurk, publishing an open letter to Neejurk HQ aka The Sun. Already receiving an enthusiastic response, this could prove to be the first step in reclaiming the world of football from the Neejurk. Sensible, rational, intelligent debate can reign supreme – spread the word, tell your friends, send this round. Once awareness spreads, we can flood the media with analysis, insight, information; without needing it to be sensationalised for the sake of it.

Let’s starve the Neejurk, drive him out, let him know he is not welcome…Viva La Revolucion!!

---------------------------------------------------

Neejurk Free Zone Melbourne Heart FC are remaining grounded and sensible - 3 games into the season they sit rock bottom of the league with a solitary point gained through an own goal. No need to sack the manager, string the players up by their gonads and rape the chairmans wife though; it’s a long season, we’re a new club, let’s be patient. Eat that, Neejurks.