There is a creature alive today that not many people know about – but it is easy to spot if you are looking for it. It is becoming increasingly common, and it’s power seems to be growing at an incredible rate. Some who have studied this creature fear that it is in fact about to take over; devouring it’s prey and multiplying at such a rate that there will come a time when this creature will be all that exists.
The creature is The Neejurk.
So far studies have found it to reside mainly in England, although there are suggestions that it has been active in Spain and Italy for some time also. It’s prominence in England is ever increasing and, fuelled on by numerous facets of the world it inhabits, there seems to be no stopping it. The Neejurk is, even as we speak, on a campaign to destroy football.
Neejurks do not have the capacity for logic, or rational thinking. They act only on instinct, and will never ever question anything they are told. Neejurks feed on information, and need to be provided with information as often as possible – preferably on a 24 hour rolling basis, in HD if at all possible.
They ingest the information by cramming it into their fat, stupid heads; before regurgitating it out of their mouths. Usually the Neejurk will get some of the details wrong when spouting off the tripe that it has been feeding on, but it has an unwavering conviction in the truth and validity of the utter tosh it will come out with.
Neejurks feast on the sensational, and will seek to find a problem whenever they can, even when one blatantly does not exist. They have a lust for blood, and seem to be utterly and infuriatingly incapable of realising when the object of their fury at any one time may be totally contradictory to whatever they wanted a few days ago. The main pastime of the Neejurk is building hundreds upon hundreds of giant pedestals; then, having placed someone on top of them, (usually way too soon and without justification) smashing them down again. To the observer, a stupid and futile exercise that achieves nothing and is self-defeating; to the Neejurk a good day's work.
Neejruks can usually be found at roundabouts. They find these circular, non-directional spaces comforting as choosing any one road would constitute forming an opinion of their own and would also lead them somewhere; the Neejurks are much happier sitting, going round and round in circles, getting nowhere. A particular stronghold for the Neejurk is known to be The Sun Newspaper, however they also thrive on internet forums, radio call-in shows and standing outside football grounds to give interviews while the rest of the world is at work.
The current Soup Du Jour for the Neejurk is Fabio Capello, the England manager portrayed today (hilariously and oh-so-wittily) by The Sun as a donkey. 2 years ago, Neejurks demanded the best man for the job after the failure of Englishman Steve ‘you can’t rush dese things guysch’ McClaren. Now the Neejurk demands an Englishman, “get Fabio out, ‘e ain't got the passion, etc”
Attempting to reason with a Neejurk is highly dangerous and will either result in confusing the Neejurk to the point of spontaneous combustion, or getting chinned.
All is not lost however.
The excellent Football 365 today declared war on the Neejurk, publishing an open letter to Neejurk HQ aka The Sun. Already receiving an enthusiastic response, this could prove to be the first step in reclaiming the world of football from the Neejurk. Sensible, rational, intelligent debate can reign supreme – spread the word, tell your friends, send this round. Once awareness spreads, we can flood the media with analysis, insight, information; without needing it to be sensationalised for the sake of it.
Let’s starve the Neejurk, drive him out, let him know he is not welcome…Viva La Revolucion!!
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Neejurk Free Zone Melbourne Heart FC are remaining grounded and sensible - 3 games into the season they sit rock bottom of the league with a solitary point gained through an own goal. No need to sack the manager, string the players up by their gonads and rape the chairmans wife though; it’s a long season, we’re a new club, let’s be patient. Eat that, Neejurks.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Friday, 20 August 2010
Formula 1
“ I bloody love football” David Brent, 2000. 
Whilst revealing the statement to be something of an overblown expression of a sport to which he was largely ignorant, Brent was pretty much on the money with the sentiment here. Football is bloody brilliant. There is so much to admire in a football match: incredible reflex saves, huge crunching ball-and-man-and-first-three-rows-tackles, exquisite first touches that kill the ball stone dead. But really, there is nothing as beautiful, as exhilarating, and as bloody brilliant as Goals.
The currency of football; they change lives, define eras, and create history. They also don’t come around that often in relation to the scoring system of other sports, which makes them all the more special. The purpose of this post is to examine goals in all their glory and decide, which is best?
Harry Hill may think the only way to resolve a dispute is to get two underpaid junior producers in hastily arranged costumes to jump on each other, but he is wrong. And he is also in danger of going a bit stale – TV Burp will need to shake things up a bit next time round to retain the high award-winning levels it was achieving – but I digress.
He is wrong, as I have devised a scientifically perfect (and in no way thrown together because I am effectively stealing money from BT these days*) formula to calculate the perfect goal. Behold:
PG = I*S(CIDI factor)
Perfect Goal = Importance x Setting x(Could I Do It factor)
This is copyright by the way so don’t try nicking it or when you wake up camel spiders will be chewing your legs off whilst you sleep. Possibly not true but do you want to take the risk? Camel spiders are the stuff of nightmare, trust me – don’t Google them unless you enjoy flinching at every unexpected contact for the rest of your tragic life.
The formula should first be examined in terms of the things it rules out. We can all spank a ball from 30 yards, and every now and then it will fly in top bin. AFC Hamsey players and supporters who witnessed my thunderbolt against Portland at home this year will never forget the sonic boom when it left my boot, replaced with the whipcrack of the ball slapping into the night at a frankly frightening speed. And I’m crap. So in our search for the Perfect Goal, I’m ruling out the majority of ‘screamers’ as every player has that in his locker more or less - so the CIDI factor will be 0 on goals like that
This also rules out goals which, although massively important in terms of winning a cup or something like that, have a low CIDI factor. Now you see why I have copyright, because it’s a frigging genius formula, right?!
Importance and Setting are equally weighted – Importance points are lost if the beautiful goal is the 4th in a 6-0 win; or the consolation goal in a defeat for example. Setting points are gained in finals, at showpiece games, you get the gist. Think Giggs v Arsenal, or Zizou v Leverkusen.
It is the CIDI factor that will really decide things though. Both the efforts mentioned above score highly – Giggs’ slalom to take him through the defence, and Zidane’s pure and perfect technique to set himself and then catch the ball so perfectly – CIDI? CIF.
Goals that would score high on the CIDI factor also include the steely-eyed, assassin like dinks over the keeper a la Torres, Ronaldo or Rivaldo (one in particular against Denmark in WC98 is criminally under-rated). Every time an elite striker scores one of those when clean through, drawing the keeper out and then lifting it ever so slightly over them, I always picture Leon, seconds from death…’This is for…Mathilda…’ BOOM. Hitmen like that have a composure in front of goal that most of us lack. It even applies to professionals – Heskey, Ormerod, Heskey again – given time to think they don’t have the composure.
Another high CIDI factor is sheer technical ability. Begrkamp’s spin against Newcastle, Edmundo embarrassing United, any one of dozens from Le Tissier – a flash of genius and creativity that makes idiots of fellow professionals and leaves us mortals gasping.
So, here is where you come in, beloved readers. Using the comments, give me a goal that you consider to be one of the best. I’ll apply the formula, and let’s see what we come up with.
------------------------------
*Once, years ago, my sister fancied pulling a sickie from work. Our Dad, outraged, posed the question – verbatim – ‘Would you get out of bed, go round to Woolworths and take £40 out of the till?’ A period of confused silence followed (Zoe’s speciality, that) with which he followed up..'Well then.’
Er...yeah, good point, loser. Despite the somewhat melodramatic way in which he chose to make his point, evidently in my Dad’s eyes it’s stealing to either call in sick or sit around blogging all day. Oops...
Whilst revealing the statement to be something of an overblown expression of a sport to which he was largely ignorant, Brent was pretty much on the money with the sentiment here. Football is bloody brilliant. There is so much to admire in a football match: incredible reflex saves, huge crunching ball-and-man-and-first-three-rows-tackles, exquisite first touches that kill the ball stone dead. But really, there is nothing as beautiful, as exhilarating, and as bloody brilliant as Goals.
The currency of football; they change lives, define eras, and create history. They also don’t come around that often in relation to the scoring system of other sports, which makes them all the more special. The purpose of this post is to examine goals in all their glory and decide, which is best?
Harry Hill may think the only way to resolve a dispute is to get two underpaid junior producers in hastily arranged costumes to jump on each other, but he is wrong. And he is also in danger of going a bit stale – TV Burp will need to shake things up a bit next time round to retain the high award-winning levels it was achieving – but I digress.
He is wrong, as I have devised a scientifically perfect (and in no way thrown together because I am effectively stealing money from BT these days*) formula to calculate the perfect goal. Behold:
PG = I*S(CIDI factor)
Perfect Goal = Importance x Setting x(Could I Do It factor)
This is copyright by the way so don’t try nicking it or when you wake up camel spiders will be chewing your legs off whilst you sleep. Possibly not true but do you want to take the risk? Camel spiders are the stuff of nightmare, trust me – don’t Google them unless you enjoy flinching at every unexpected contact for the rest of your tragic life.
The formula should first be examined in terms of the things it rules out. We can all spank a ball from 30 yards, and every now and then it will fly in top bin. AFC Hamsey players and supporters who witnessed my thunderbolt against Portland at home this year will never forget the sonic boom when it left my boot, replaced with the whipcrack of the ball slapping into the night at a frankly frightening speed. And I’m crap. So in our search for the Perfect Goal, I’m ruling out the majority of ‘screamers’ as every player has that in his locker more or less - so the CIDI factor will be 0 on goals like that
This also rules out goals which, although massively important in terms of winning a cup or something like that, have a low CIDI factor. Now you see why I have copyright, because it’s a frigging genius formula, right?!
Importance and Setting are equally weighted – Importance points are lost if the beautiful goal is the 4th in a 6-0 win; or the consolation goal in a defeat for example. Setting points are gained in finals, at showpiece games, you get the gist. Think Giggs v Arsenal, or Zizou v Leverkusen.
It is the CIDI factor that will really decide things though. Both the efforts mentioned above score highly – Giggs’ slalom to take him through the defence, and Zidane’s pure and perfect technique to set himself and then catch the ball so perfectly – CIDI? CIF.
Goals that would score high on the CIDI factor also include the steely-eyed, assassin like dinks over the keeper a la Torres, Ronaldo or Rivaldo (one in particular against Denmark in WC98 is criminally under-rated). Every time an elite striker scores one of those when clean through, drawing the keeper out and then lifting it ever so slightly over them, I always picture Leon, seconds from death…’This is for…Mathilda…’ BOOM. Hitmen like that have a composure in front of goal that most of us lack. It even applies to professionals – Heskey, Ormerod, Heskey again – given time to think they don’t have the composure.
Another high CIDI factor is sheer technical ability. Begrkamp’s spin against Newcastle, Edmundo embarrassing United, any one of dozens from Le Tissier – a flash of genius and creativity that makes idiots of fellow professionals and leaves us mortals gasping.
So, here is where you come in, beloved readers. Using the comments, give me a goal that you consider to be one of the best. I’ll apply the formula, and let’s see what we come up with.
------------------------------
*Once, years ago, my sister fancied pulling a sickie from work. Our Dad, outraged, posed the question – verbatim – ‘Would you get out of bed, go round to Woolworths and take £40 out of the till?’ A period of confused silence followed (Zoe’s speciality, that) with which he followed up..'Well then.’
Er...yeah, good point, loser. Despite the somewhat melodramatic way in which he chose to make his point, evidently in my Dad’s eyes it’s stealing to either call in sick or sit around blogging all day. Oops...
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Young Boys keep 'Arry up all night
Sue me. It's a perfectly legitimate headline...
Tonight, Tottenham become only the second team outside the traditional 'Big Four' to have a pop at the Champions League since 2003 when Newcastle finished third. The only other side to have broken the quadopoly was Everton in 2004/05, and Spurs fans would do well to remember how that worked out.
After fighting hard for an entire season, scraping lucky result after lucky result (a particularly painful and ludicrously fortunate Marcus Bent wondergoal at St Marys that year still haunts me) the Toffees had to overcome the Yellow Submarine of Villarreal in their qualifier. They narrowly succumbed to the torpedo attack led by Riquelme; and came away with the feeling that nine months of effort went ultimately unrewarded - being beaten early in the consolation of the UEFA Cup just rubber stamped this.
Fortunately for everyone at Tottenham, they face much less 'stiffer' opposition in Young Boys of Berne, who earnt their place by finishing as runners up in their domestic league. They were narrowly beaten on the final day by Bigger Boys FC, who's physical presence, intimidatory tactics and stealing of lunch money had the Young Boys rattled.
Based on the strength of their squad, and the bright start to the season opener against Man City, Tottenham should certainly have enough to cope with this level of opponent, plastic pitch or not. They will be fully expecting to make it through to the group stages and the glamour and excitement that the tests within will bring. It will be extremely foolhardy however to expect this to be a walkover, no team reaches this level without having something about them - the likes of Rubin Kazan and Unirea Urziceni demomstrated that last year.
Perhaps the biggest factor to cock things up for Spurs (that is actually a brilliant pun believe it or not) could be the inexperience at this level of a significant portion of their squad. Not perhaps the players themselves - many of them have experienced Champs League football before - but just the club as an entity. This is what they have been working towards for so long, they are almost there - will they crack?
The holy grail is within reach, but like that stupid Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - act too quickly, get carried away; and your head will melt off and leave you a hideous misshapen mess that no-one can bear to look at without screaming.
Hmm...
Tonight, Tottenham become only the second team outside the traditional 'Big Four' to have a pop at the Champions League since 2003 when Newcastle finished third. The only other side to have broken the quadopoly was Everton in 2004/05, and Spurs fans would do well to remember how that worked out.
After fighting hard for an entire season, scraping lucky result after lucky result (a particularly painful and ludicrously fortunate Marcus Bent wondergoal at St Marys that year still haunts me) the Toffees had to overcome the Yellow Submarine of Villarreal in their qualifier. They narrowly succumbed to the torpedo attack led by Riquelme; and came away with the feeling that nine months of effort went ultimately unrewarded - being beaten early in the consolation of the UEFA Cup just rubber stamped this.
Fortunately for everyone at Tottenham, they face much less 'stiffer' opposition in Young Boys of Berne, who earnt their place by finishing as runners up in their domestic league. They were narrowly beaten on the final day by Bigger Boys FC, who's physical presence, intimidatory tactics and stealing of lunch money had the Young Boys rattled.
Based on the strength of their squad, and the bright start to the season opener against Man City, Tottenham should certainly have enough to cope with this level of opponent, plastic pitch or not. They will be fully expecting to make it through to the group stages and the glamour and excitement that the tests within will bring. It will be extremely foolhardy however to expect this to be a walkover, no team reaches this level without having something about them - the likes of Rubin Kazan and Unirea Urziceni demomstrated that last year.
Perhaps the biggest factor to cock things up for Spurs (that is actually a brilliant pun believe it or not) could be the inexperience at this level of a significant portion of their squad. Not perhaps the players themselves - many of them have experienced Champs League football before - but just the club as an entity. This is what they have been working towards for so long, they are almost there - will they crack?
The holy grail is within reach, but like that stupid Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - act too quickly, get carried away; and your head will melt off and leave you a hideous misshapen mess that no-one can bear to look at without screaming.
Hmm...
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Blackpool Rock
16 of the 20 sides competing in this season's Premier League have now got their campaign underway, and none will be feeling happier with their day's work than Blackpool.
An emphatic 4-0 win against relatively local rivals Wigan, at the egotistically named and constantly half empty DW Stadium, is far more than they could ever have hoped for from their first ever foray into the Premier League. The fact that Wigan will in all likelihood be strugglers themselves, and defended in a manner that was crying out for a Benny Hill backing track, is irrelevant. Blackpool got the job done and the place will be rocking tonight, just think of the illegitimate babies that will arrive in nine months time.
The first game of the season will have had the Sky marketing men beaming - Spurs v Man City nowadays is a glamorous fixture in it's own right, but given the new faces it was a great way to get things going. The first half was absolutely electrifying stuff, played at a break-neck pace with tackles flying in and chances coming thick and fast. It was interesting to note that David Silva and Yaya Toure in particular looked somewhat shellshocked after about twenty minutes - whether you agree with the Sky spiel that it's the best league in the world or not, it is undeniably the most frenetic and high tempo this side of the A League.
Spurs failed to find a breakthrough during a sustained spell of pressure in the first half, and the game tailed off eventually as Spurs tired and City were happy to claim the point. The fact that Spurs did not score was credit in no small part to the heroics of Joe Hart - form like that will have him between the England sticks for many years to come. The fact that Shay Given was confined to the bench should have Arsenal in particular on red alert.
Another notable result from the day was the ominous click into stride of the champions, Chelsea. They hammered a defensively weak West Brom side, who showed enough when in posession to suggest that they will cause problems, but Chelsea were just irresistible in attack. Of course it doesn't help when your defensive wall puts up about as much resistance as Paul Gascoigne when offered a pint - but in the second half the Blues threatened with every attack. 6-0 is the record win on the opening day for any team, and following the goalfest with which Chelsea closed out the championship in May, is precisely the start they would have wanted.
The should-have-stayed-in-bed award goes to Stephen Carr of Birmingham City, conceding a penalty and scoring an own goal, smooth moves, dickhead. Time to pack it in? At least Birmingham scrambled a late equaliser to ensure Carr had someone to sit next to on the bus home. Arguably the only person who had a worse day was Kenwyne Jones, Stoke's new £8m striker - after a bright and dangerous looking start, he suffered a serious looking injury which is likely to rule him out for some time. Get well soon, Ken.
Goal of the day* goes to David Jones of Wolves, scoring a Matt Le Tissier-esque free kick by flicking the ball up himself and then volleying it in via the underside of the bar. Classy, intelligent and perfectly executed. Matty's was better though.
Attention now turns to the huge clash at Anfield between Liverpool and Arsenal, but it does certainly feel that the world is back in order again, the Premier League is back. Sleep tight.
*EDIT - I typed this before Gary Lineker or The Thunder Stealer as I call him got into my mind and not only used the exact phrase 'goal of the day' but then also drops a Le Tissier highlight to prove my point. Honest guv, I'm not copying. I might sue.
--------------------------------------------------
Aussie news: The Heart have picked up their first point!! A 1-1 draw away at Newcastle Jets, saved thanks to an hilarious 22 yard lob the keeper own goal ten minutes from time gives the Heart their historic first point.
Technically they still have yet to score for themselves, but we won't worry about picky little details like that - we're off and running now, just you watch...
An emphatic 4-0 win against relatively local rivals Wigan, at the egotistically named and constantly half empty DW Stadium, is far more than they could ever have hoped for from their first ever foray into the Premier League. The fact that Wigan will in all likelihood be strugglers themselves, and defended in a manner that was crying out for a Benny Hill backing track, is irrelevant. Blackpool got the job done and the place will be rocking tonight, just think of the illegitimate babies that will arrive in nine months time.
The first game of the season will have had the Sky marketing men beaming - Spurs v Man City nowadays is a glamorous fixture in it's own right, but given the new faces it was a great way to get things going. The first half was absolutely electrifying stuff, played at a break-neck pace with tackles flying in and chances coming thick and fast. It was interesting to note that David Silva and Yaya Toure in particular looked somewhat shellshocked after about twenty minutes - whether you agree with the Sky spiel that it's the best league in the world or not, it is undeniably the most frenetic and high tempo this side of the A League.
Spurs failed to find a breakthrough during a sustained spell of pressure in the first half, and the game tailed off eventually as Spurs tired and City were happy to claim the point. The fact that Spurs did not score was credit in no small part to the heroics of Joe Hart - form like that will have him between the England sticks for many years to come. The fact that Shay Given was confined to the bench should have Arsenal in particular on red alert.
Another notable result from the day was the ominous click into stride of the champions, Chelsea. They hammered a defensively weak West Brom side, who showed enough when in posession to suggest that they will cause problems, but Chelsea were just irresistible in attack. Of course it doesn't help when your defensive wall puts up about as much resistance as Paul Gascoigne when offered a pint - but in the second half the Blues threatened with every attack. 6-0 is the record win on the opening day for any team, and following the goalfest with which Chelsea closed out the championship in May, is precisely the start they would have wanted.
The should-have-stayed-in-bed award goes to Stephen Carr of Birmingham City, conceding a penalty and scoring an own goal, smooth moves, dickhead. Time to pack it in? At least Birmingham scrambled a late equaliser to ensure Carr had someone to sit next to on the bus home. Arguably the only person who had a worse day was Kenwyne Jones, Stoke's new £8m striker - after a bright and dangerous looking start, he suffered a serious looking injury which is likely to rule him out for some time. Get well soon, Ken.
Goal of the day* goes to David Jones of Wolves, scoring a Matt Le Tissier-esque free kick by flicking the ball up himself and then volleying it in via the underside of the bar. Classy, intelligent and perfectly executed. Matty's was better though.
Attention now turns to the huge clash at Anfield between Liverpool and Arsenal, but it does certainly feel that the world is back in order again, the Premier League is back. Sleep tight.
*EDIT - I typed this before Gary Lineker or The Thunder Stealer as I call him got into my mind and not only used the exact phrase 'goal of the day' but then also drops a Le Tissier highlight to prove my point. Honest guv, I'm not copying. I might sue.
--------------------------------------------------
Aussie news: The Heart have picked up their first point!! A 1-1 draw away at Newcastle Jets, saved thanks to an hilarious 22 yard lob the keeper own goal ten minutes from time gives the Heart their historic first point.
Technically they still have yet to score for themselves, but we won't worry about picky little details like that - we're off and running now, just you watch...
Friday, 13 August 2010
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
"I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. The Game's Afoot..."
Something about the first day of the Premier League season - even for fans of lower league clubs or crappy Australian teams (ahem) - always comes with a swell of excitement. New kits, new players, the opening credits to Match of the Day, Jeff and the boys...every year there is so much to look forward to.
This season somehow feels as though the anticipation and exictement is even bigger than ever. Numerous factors could be behind this: the unavoidable strength of Man City's squad threatening to shake up the old guard, the uncertainty behind a revamped Liverpool, the dismal showing of England's players in South Africa; all of these are building the anticipation ahead of the 19th battle for the Premier League.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fight for survival this year could be keenly contested, although it is likely to be about as aesthetically pleasing as watching a naked Sumo wrestling match between Jo Brand and that one who used to make You've Been Framed unwatchable. There is a fair amount of dross at the bottom of the table - the likes of Wigan and Wolves only stayed in the league last season due to there being three worse teams, many other seasons they would have dropped with their less-than-a-point-per-game total.
Clearly newcomers Blackpool, even with a host of new signings, will struggle. Hull City two years ago pulled some pants down in the early weeks, due to a blanket under-estimation of their abilities. Teams will not allow this to happen again and Blackpool will probably be up against it from day one. They may need to make the objective for this season to beat the woeful Derby County tally of 11 points, a record low. Like a Blackpool slapper's knickers, there is no way they can stay up.
Other teams in the group likely to struggle include the aforementioned Wolves and Wigan, Newcastle and perennial yo-yo's West Brom. West Ham, Birmingham, Blackburn Rovers, Sunderland and Stoke are likely to make up the bottom half of the table - although there should be a noticeable gulf in class between the bottom five and the rest.
The shock departure of Martin O'Neill this week will have potentially cataclysmic ramifications for Aston Villa. Even with O'Neill at the helm, it seemed likely that Villa would slip slightly behind the ever-improving peer group in which they have competed admirably for the last 3 years. This could be the year in which Villa slip down towards the lower reaches of the top half - although provided they can keep Ashley Young, John Carew, Gaby Agbonlahor, Richard Dunne and Brad Friedel they have the core of a team that will be too good for things to get too bad.
Fulham are another team who have undergone fairly traumatic managerial overhaul this close season. Al-Fayed stuck with the policy of employing managers with old lady hair, and Mark Hughes should continue to get a solid squad of decent players producing the quiet but effective football that keeps them out of harm's reach. The problem for Hughes however is that it even a top 10 finish - although an improvement on last year's 12th - will never be held in as high regard as the Europa League heroics of Roy Hodgson's men.
Hodgson has gone for the understandable lure of one final throw of the dice, at the biggest English club of his career. He joined Liverpool in crisis but his first few weeks could scarcely have gone better; retaining Gerrard and Torres whilst acquiring Joe Cole, not to mention the prospect of new wealthy owners, is precisely what Woy would have wanted. The wave of optimism that carries Liverpool into a tough test on the opening weekend against Arsenal could see them up challenging for the top four again.
Arsenal - what can you say? It's the same old perplexing and, presumably for Gooners, infuriating situation. A first team littered with talent...but always injured. A suspect goalkeeper. An over reliance on unproven youth, and above all else, a complete reluctance (or inability?) to spend big money. It is difficult to shake the opinion that if Wenger were to spend £30-40m on a top class goalkeeper, centre half and goalscorer Arsenal could become serious title contenders. As it is, they will definitely be thereabouts, but will probably fall away around March as is their wont. Bets are open on which Gunner gets his foot snapped off this time round by the way.
One team who have been quietly and assuredly going about their business is Everton. Putting injury problems behind them, they put on an incredible run of form throughout the second half of 2009/10, and there is no reason to think this cannot continue. Thoughts of fourth are fantasy though, there are too many stronger squads ahead of them.
Arguably one of the strongest squads in the league belongs to Sir Twitchalot himself, Harry Redknapp at Tottenham. Paradoxically, their Champions League place (if achieved) which they fought so hard for could end up ruining their chances of repeating the feat one year on. An excellent team littered with talent no doubt, but one that can compete at the level required to maintain a league challenge parallel with a Champions League campaign? Sorry Droopy, it's not going to happen.
Strong though the Spurs squad may be, there is no doubt about the strongest squad in the league. Manchester City, spending eye-watering sums of money in the process, have reached a situation where they have a surplus of quality for every position in the team. Therein lies the rub though...'Team'. Roberto Mancini has the mammoth task of moulding his expensively-assembled raft of players into a choerent, driven and effective team. Finding an optimum formation without ostracising fringe players will not be easy - never before in England has there been a situation where a club can have 10 players worth £10-20m in reserve week after week but this will be the case with City. Further to this, they still don't have the one elite level player that can make the difference. Messi, Torres, Villa, Rooney, Kaka, Xavi; they need to have one of the very best players in the world before they become certainties for the title.
The title.
Who will it be? Despite the challengers, it is surely going to come down to Man United or Chelsea. United now have the promising Javier Hernandez, while Chelsea have added the steel of Ramirez and the craft of Benayoun. The spine of both teams however remains the same, and this is the crux of why they will be up there. The last 6 titles have been won by these two teams - comprised mainly of the same core that are there now - and this is what it boils down to. They've been there, they've done it, they know what it takes. Expect both to be fighting it out to the bitter end.
Balls on the line then, see below for the predictions. Also, see my previous post for an alternate take on the football feast to come. Agree/disagree? Let me know.
Winners: Chelsea
Champs League: United (2), City (3), Arsenal (4)
Europa League: Liverpool (5), Spurs (6), Everton (7)
Mid-table obscurity: Villa (8), Fulham (9) Sunderland (10), Stoke (11), Birmingham (12)
Bottom half: Bolton (13), West Ham (14), Blackburn (15), Newcastle (16), Wolves (17)
Relegated: Wigan (18), West Brom (19), Blackpool (20 - with 18 points)
Something about the first day of the Premier League season - even for fans of lower league clubs or crappy Australian teams (ahem) - always comes with a swell of excitement. New kits, new players, the opening credits to Match of the Day, Jeff and the boys...every year there is so much to look forward to.
This season somehow feels as though the anticipation and exictement is even bigger than ever. Numerous factors could be behind this: the unavoidable strength of Man City's squad threatening to shake up the old guard, the uncertainty behind a revamped Liverpool, the dismal showing of England's players in South Africa; all of these are building the anticipation ahead of the 19th battle for the Premier League.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fight for survival this year could be keenly contested, although it is likely to be about as aesthetically pleasing as watching a naked Sumo wrestling match between Jo Brand and that one who used to make You've Been Framed unwatchable. There is a fair amount of dross at the bottom of the table - the likes of Wigan and Wolves only stayed in the league last season due to there being three worse teams, many other seasons they would have dropped with their less-than-a-point-per-game total.
Clearly newcomers Blackpool, even with a host of new signings, will struggle. Hull City two years ago pulled some pants down in the early weeks, due to a blanket under-estimation of their abilities. Teams will not allow this to happen again and Blackpool will probably be up against it from day one. They may need to make the objective for this season to beat the woeful Derby County tally of 11 points, a record low. Like a Blackpool slapper's knickers, there is no way they can stay up.
Other teams in the group likely to struggle include the aforementioned Wolves and Wigan, Newcastle and perennial yo-yo's West Brom. West Ham, Birmingham, Blackburn Rovers, Sunderland and Stoke are likely to make up the bottom half of the table - although there should be a noticeable gulf in class between the bottom five and the rest.
The shock departure of Martin O'Neill this week will have potentially cataclysmic ramifications for Aston Villa. Even with O'Neill at the helm, it seemed likely that Villa would slip slightly behind the ever-improving peer group in which they have competed admirably for the last 3 years. This could be the year in which Villa slip down towards the lower reaches of the top half - although provided they can keep Ashley Young, John Carew, Gaby Agbonlahor, Richard Dunne and Brad Friedel they have the core of a team that will be too good for things to get too bad.
Fulham are another team who have undergone fairly traumatic managerial overhaul this close season. Al-Fayed stuck with the policy of employing managers with old lady hair, and Mark Hughes should continue to get a solid squad of decent players producing the quiet but effective football that keeps them out of harm's reach. The problem for Hughes however is that it even a top 10 finish - although an improvement on last year's 12th - will never be held in as high regard as the Europa League heroics of Roy Hodgson's men.
Hodgson has gone for the understandable lure of one final throw of the dice, at the biggest English club of his career. He joined Liverpool in crisis but his first few weeks could scarcely have gone better; retaining Gerrard and Torres whilst acquiring Joe Cole, not to mention the prospect of new wealthy owners, is precisely what Woy would have wanted. The wave of optimism that carries Liverpool into a tough test on the opening weekend against Arsenal could see them up challenging for the top four again.
Arsenal - what can you say? It's the same old perplexing and, presumably for Gooners, infuriating situation. A first team littered with talent...but always injured. A suspect goalkeeper. An over reliance on unproven youth, and above all else, a complete reluctance (or inability?) to spend big money. It is difficult to shake the opinion that if Wenger were to spend £30-40m on a top class goalkeeper, centre half and goalscorer Arsenal could become serious title contenders. As it is, they will definitely be thereabouts, but will probably fall away around March as is their wont. Bets are open on which Gunner gets his foot snapped off this time round by the way.
One team who have been quietly and assuredly going about their business is Everton. Putting injury problems behind them, they put on an incredible run of form throughout the second half of 2009/10, and there is no reason to think this cannot continue. Thoughts of fourth are fantasy though, there are too many stronger squads ahead of them.
Arguably one of the strongest squads in the league belongs to Sir Twitchalot himself, Harry Redknapp at Tottenham. Paradoxically, their Champions League place (if achieved) which they fought so hard for could end up ruining their chances of repeating the feat one year on. An excellent team littered with talent no doubt, but one that can compete at the level required to maintain a league challenge parallel with a Champions League campaign? Sorry Droopy, it's not going to happen.
Strong though the Spurs squad may be, there is no doubt about the strongest squad in the league. Manchester City, spending eye-watering sums of money in the process, have reached a situation where they have a surplus of quality for every position in the team. Therein lies the rub though...'Team'. Roberto Mancini has the mammoth task of moulding his expensively-assembled raft of players into a choerent, driven and effective team. Finding an optimum formation without ostracising fringe players will not be easy - never before in England has there been a situation where a club can have 10 players worth £10-20m in reserve week after week but this will be the case with City. Further to this, they still don't have the one elite level player that can make the difference. Messi, Torres, Villa, Rooney, Kaka, Xavi; they need to have one of the very best players in the world before they become certainties for the title.
The title.
Who will it be? Despite the challengers, it is surely going to come down to Man United or Chelsea. United now have the promising Javier Hernandez, while Chelsea have added the steel of Ramirez and the craft of Benayoun. The spine of both teams however remains the same, and this is the crux of why they will be up there. The last 6 titles have been won by these two teams - comprised mainly of the same core that are there now - and this is what it boils down to. They've been there, they've done it, they know what it takes. Expect both to be fighting it out to the bitter end.
Balls on the line then, see below for the predictions. Also, see my previous post for an alternate take on the football feast to come. Agree/disagree? Let me know.
Winners: Chelsea
Champs League: United (2), City (3), Arsenal (4)
Europa League: Liverpool (5), Spurs (6), Everton (7)
Mid-table obscurity: Villa (8), Fulham (9) Sunderland (10), Stoke (11), Birmingham (12)
Bottom half: Bolton (13), West Ham (14), Blackburn (15), Newcastle (16), Wolves (17)
Relegated: Wigan (18), West Brom (19), Blackpool (20 - with 18 points)
Crystal Balls
In the next post I'll be providing a reasoned, thoughful and hopefully debate-inspiring preview of the Premier League season that is on the brink of getting under way. In this one I'm going to take a more irreverent approach. Basically take the piss out of the whole thing.
So, without further ado, here is the SubPlease list of things that will define this season...
So, without further ado, here is the SubPlease list of things that will define this season...
- By September 1st, Manchester City will have bought every single player. Just buy them all. You can't lose if the other team exists only in name and has no players, it's a brilliant and foolproof strategy.
- Arsenal's players all die. Wenger refuses to buy any more, putting faith in his medical team.
- Ian Holloway is loved and worshipped by everyone for his humourous approach, his soundbite heavy interviews, even his bloody accent. It matters for nothing however as his team get humiliatingly ruined week after week. His facade gradually erodes before the watching Match of the Day cameras until, after an 8-1 raping in April at the hands of a rampant Wolves team, he just flips out and goes mental live on air. It becomes the stuff of YouTube legend, due to his accent. You see, he has an accent. Did I mention to look out for his accent? Accent.
- Mere weeks into the season, Roberto Mancini is facing the sack due to failure to keep the 483 unplaying members of his playing squad happy. They are forced to pass their time spending their reported £300'000 a week as they see fit, presumably texting pictures of themselves in baggy white pants to local wannabe slag...sorry 'Wags'.
- Fresh from the signings of South Park juvenile temptress 'Bebe' and Fiat roadster 'Chicharito', Ferguson continues trying to build up an entire squad of nicknamed players. He signs 'Mugsy', 'Knuckles' and 'Stretch' before realising he has inadvertently reunited Fat Sam's gang from Busgy Malone. They beat Blackpool 5-1.
- Kenwyne Jones will quit his new club Stoke and sign for Brentford. Then he will announce he is moving to Atletico Madrid. After that fails he will get a job as a server in TGI Friday's, before trying a stint as a barbers pole. He just loves red and white stripes, you see.
- After every single weekend of the season, one or all of the tabloids will write a particular team out of the title race. Eventually realising they have written every single team out of the race, The Sun declares the whole thing to be a figment of the readers imagaination. To verify it, they have a dubious quote from a 'close source'. Not one of their readers questions this.
- 9 months later, after an exciting season whereby numerous 'smaller' teams make a spirited charge for the title, it will boil down to Chelsea and Man U finishing above everyone else. Yawn. The Australian Soccer League - now there's a competition...Go Heart!!
Thursday, 12 August 2010
I was saying Boo-urn's
With all the focus in the build-up about how the crowd would react, the actual football when England played Hungary tonight at Wembley tonight seemed to take a back seat for the best part of an hour, until the game was lit up by two moments of magic.
In a 24-7 media world that is always desperate to find a story and sensationalise everything, it can at times seem like football is becoming more and more like WWE every day - where the real draw is all the stories, drama, feuding etc and the actual wrestling is just a distraction.
The fact that Capello had picked many of the 'World Cup Flops' (as is mandatory to call them); plus the moronic attitude of a depressingly high number of England fans, led to an inevitable chorus of boo's in the build up and throughout the first half - although England did not help themselves with a fairly insipid performance that was somewhat devoid of ideas and penetration. Nothing new there.
The second half saw a marked improvement in terms of attacking intent - Bobby Zamora will wonder what more he has to do to get a goal - and Steven Gerrard provided two moments of outstanding quality to lift the gloom inside Wembley and start the recovery process. Gerrard's second goal was sheer class, the footwork and balance was out of this world. What really struck a chord however was his celebration for his booming first. The catharsis was almost visible - the strained sinews and raw emotion on ihs face, urging the crowd to 'come on' - he looked like the Gerrard that we see week in week out in a red shirt.
If Capello can see sense and play Gerrard centrally with a free attacking licence; then it could be that as captain during this turbulent time, we finally get to benefit from the 'Stevie G' that Kopites have worshipped for years.
It's a start, there's a long way ahead, but like the battered wives on Jeremy Kyle who stay with their husbands despite the abuse, we can't walk away from England "coz we love 'im Jeremy' Here's hoping that, with the help from our Graham, sorry Fabio, we can get back to the good times.
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Southampton annoucned tonight the death of their chairman Markus Liebherr, the Swiss businessman who made his fortune in construction, aged only 62.
Presumably widely unknown, Liebherr is a real hero to Saints fans for rescuing the club from the very brink of exintction. The transformation in the last 15 months has been incredible, and the club (despite an opening day defeat) are the team that all others are out to beat in League One.
A determined, ambitious and football-loving man, Liebherr was the perfect chairman and will be sadly missed. I desperately hope that come May, they will be lifting some silverware - and without doubt, anything they win now is for Markus, a true Saint.
In a 24-7 media world that is always desperate to find a story and sensationalise everything, it can at times seem like football is becoming more and more like WWE every day - where the real draw is all the stories, drama, feuding etc and the actual wrestling is just a distraction.
The fact that Capello had picked many of the 'World Cup Flops' (as is mandatory to call them); plus the moronic attitude of a depressingly high number of England fans, led to an inevitable chorus of boo's in the build up and throughout the first half - although England did not help themselves with a fairly insipid performance that was somewhat devoid of ideas and penetration. Nothing new there.
The second half saw a marked improvement in terms of attacking intent - Bobby Zamora will wonder what more he has to do to get a goal - and Steven Gerrard provided two moments of outstanding quality to lift the gloom inside Wembley and start the recovery process. Gerrard's second goal was sheer class, the footwork and balance was out of this world. What really struck a chord however was his celebration for his booming first. The catharsis was almost visible - the strained sinews and raw emotion on ihs face, urging the crowd to 'come on' - he looked like the Gerrard that we see week in week out in a red shirt.
If Capello can see sense and play Gerrard centrally with a free attacking licence; then it could be that as captain during this turbulent time, we finally get to benefit from the 'Stevie G' that Kopites have worshipped for years.
It's a start, there's a long way ahead, but like the battered wives on Jeremy Kyle who stay with their husbands despite the abuse, we can't walk away from England "coz we love 'im Jeremy' Here's hoping that, with the help from our Graham, sorry Fabio, we can get back to the good times.
------------------------------------------------
Southampton annoucned tonight the death of their chairman Markus Liebherr, the Swiss businessman who made his fortune in construction, aged only 62.
Presumably widely unknown, Liebherr is a real hero to Saints fans for rescuing the club from the very brink of exintction. The transformation in the last 15 months has been incredible, and the club (despite an opening day defeat) are the team that all others are out to beat in League One.
A determined, ambitious and football-loving man, Liebherr was the perfect chairman and will be sadly missed. I desperately hope that come May, they will be lifting some silverware - and without doubt, anything they win now is for Markus, a true Saint.
Markus Liebherr, RIP. COYS.
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Heart: Beat
Melbourne Heart fans did not get the start they were hoping for in the club's first ever game against Central Coast Mariners.
A 1-0 defeat with an early goal and a lack of attacking threat means the Heart go bottom of the table before any other team has even kicked a ball.
A very healthy crowd of over 11'000 - more than many Championship teams can draw in England - turned out to suggest that Melbourne residents have taken this team to their Hearts (sorry) but you have to fear that if results remain like this, poeple will lose interest.
Not SubPlease however. We'll be backing and following the Heart all year, we might not have wanted them to lose the first game but let's face it, we pretty much knew it was going to happen.
Next up is Newcastle away, and I tell you what, I will love it if we beat them, love it.
A 1-0 defeat with an early goal and a lack of attacking threat means the Heart go bottom of the table before any other team has even kicked a ball.
A very healthy crowd of over 11'000 - more than many Championship teams can draw in England - turned out to suggest that Melbourne residents have taken this team to their Hearts (sorry) but you have to fear that if results remain like this, poeple will lose interest.
Not SubPlease however. We'll be backing and following the Heart all year, we might not have wanted them to lose the first game but let's face it, we pretty much knew it was going to happen.
Next up is Newcastle away, and I tell you what, I will love it if we beat them, love it.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
It's coming back, it's coming...Football's coming back
This weekend salvation arrives, as the start of the English Football League season gets under way. Kicking it all off on Friday night are Norwich City, newly promoted to the Championship and with high hopes of a continued upturn in fortunes, taking on Watford who are tipped by many to struggle again this term.
The annoyingly named 'Championship' is in terms of attendance, revenue, and profile one of the biggest leagues in Europe. Only the top divisions in England, Germany, Italy and Spain take more people through the turnstiles each weekend; and a look through the calibre of teams in the division goes some way to explaining why.
The presence of so many traditional heavyweights also makes for one of the most open and difficult-to-predict leagues of all. It is common for one team to ultimately stretch away and win the division by a healthy margin, however prior to a ball being kicked, it's a brave or foolhardy man who would put all his money on any one team.
Further down the ladder into League One (another ridiculous name, it's Division 3, we all know that) and although there is again a scattering of big clubs, the betting market is pointing in one direction.
Southampton are overwhelming favourites to win the league; having just missed out on the play-off's last term despite a 10 point penalty, and showing form going into the second half of the season that presumably has the rest worried. This tag of favourites though is something that is very new to the Saints and something that, for the supporters at least, does not sit easily. Underdogs, forced into a corner, against all the odds - this has always been the Southampton way. Romping the league, smashing goals for fun, having it sewn up by Christmas? Don't bet on it.
Whilst the vast majority of the focus in England is on the Premier League, and more specifically the top 4-6 clubs within; no-one should be under any illusion that this weekend is when it all begins. It's been a long few weeks since Iniesta brought the World Cup to a close, and what a joy it is to know that football; real, proper, bread-and-butter football, is coming back.
The next nine months will bring all manner of twists and turns, ups and downs, drama and incident- and that, my friends, is bloody brilliant.
Welcome back Football, we've missed you.
(Come on you Saints!!)
The annoyingly named 'Championship' is in terms of attendance, revenue, and profile one of the biggest leagues in Europe. Only the top divisions in England, Germany, Italy and Spain take more people through the turnstiles each weekend; and a look through the calibre of teams in the division goes some way to explaining why.
The presence of so many traditional heavyweights also makes for one of the most open and difficult-to-predict leagues of all. It is common for one team to ultimately stretch away and win the division by a healthy margin, however prior to a ball being kicked, it's a brave or foolhardy man who would put all his money on any one team.
Further down the ladder into League One (another ridiculous name, it's Division 3, we all know that) and although there is again a scattering of big clubs, the betting market is pointing in one direction.
Southampton are overwhelming favourites to win the league; having just missed out on the play-off's last term despite a 10 point penalty, and showing form going into the second half of the season that presumably has the rest worried. This tag of favourites though is something that is very new to the Saints and something that, for the supporters at least, does not sit easily. Underdogs, forced into a corner, against all the odds - this has always been the Southampton way. Romping the league, smashing goals for fun, having it sewn up by Christmas? Don't bet on it.
Whilst the vast majority of the focus in England is on the Premier League, and more specifically the top 4-6 clubs within; no-one should be under any illusion that this weekend is when it all begins. It's been a long few weeks since Iniesta brought the World Cup to a close, and what a joy it is to know that football; real, proper, bread-and-butter football, is coming back.
The next nine months will bring all manner of twists and turns, ups and downs, drama and incident- and that, my friends, is bloody brilliant.
Welcome back Football, we've missed you.
(Come on you Saints!!)
Monday, 2 August 2010
The XX
One thing that struck home during the World Cup was the noticeably gender-diverse demographic of the crowds that attended each game. For all the years that I have been going to football matches, it's always been very much the domain of the man - from the pub beforehand to the hilariously foul language, and raw impotent aggression throughout the game (impotent aggression = football hooligans shouting 'come on then' whilst backing off and checking that police are nearby) it is just Man Time. Grrr. Men. So the realisation that the reason the crowd seemed different at Green Point Stadium was due to the presence, prevalence even, of women, made me think perhaps the appeal of the game is expanding.
To test this theory it made perfect sense to conduct my own empirical study with a real-life subject, so below, in all their glory, are Gina Tomlinson's thoughts on football. Sadly for the aspiring football writer in me, she has pretty much nailed it...
What is your favourite thing about football? Once a squirrel ran on the pitch, that was brilliant. A squirrel on a football pitch!
What do you think the is worst thing about football? It's just a bit boring, if there were more goals (and animals running on the pitch) I might like it.
Who is your favourite player and why? David Beckham – Fitttttt!!!! Sorry Chris but even you think he is sexy.
What is your abiding memory from the recent World Cup? It was in South Africa and we didn’t win. I liked the South African fans, they all looked like they were having a lot of fun.
How would you improve football? 1)No football hooligans. 2)Footballers always have to do a fun goal celebration, like the man who pretended to be a fish – amazing!
One word to sum up football: Boring
As you can see, the responses elicited a fairly negative view of the Beautiful Game, but it was in free mode where Gina's feelings really came to the fore:
"I know there is a goal keeper called David Seaman, and I used to like someone called John Barnes, I even know he played for Liverpool.
I know there is a man who looks like a fish and Chris doesn’t like him, but his son is fit and his wife is even fitter!
I believe that football is a beautiful game that brings out a loyalty and devotion from it's greatest fans. It's a game that unites the world, the rich and the poor.
Also however, I think that footballers are overpaid, soft girls who jump on the floor when they worry their skills won't win the game.
I think my boyfriend spends too much time thinking about it, talking about it and relating all life experiences to it. And sometimes football fans get very angry and aggressive."
So, there we have it. Difficult to argue with many of the points, and clearly it is not just me who thinks that Harry Redknapp looks like a fish. If you'd like to hear more from Gina, let me know via the comments below, and we'll see if we can get her to become a regular guest contributor...
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