There are no cats in America

The Mousekewitz family moved to America on the promise of a free land, a land of opportunity, abundance, cheese-a-plenty. A land with no cats. When they arrived, they found the true extent of the deception that led them there. The ordeal of moving one's entire family away from everything that was familiar, to a far and distant land; only to realise that you had made a grave misjudgement, was exacerbated by the tragic disappearance of their young son Fievel.

A harrowing story indeed, one which if you are not familiar with, I suggest you do yourself a favour and locate it. The feature length documentary, one of the most hard-hitting and emotional of all time, is called An American Tail (tail like mice have tails but also like tale like story. Clever.)

But I know what you're thinking. Why the bloody hell am I wittering on about the Mousekwitz family - timeless though their story is?

Well, it just so happens, the evil and corrupt cat rulers in America have relocated a few thousand miles down south.

Recently I brought you the glorious footage of one poor River Plate supporter, going through the anguish of watching his side get relegated for the first time in their illustrious history. I know Old Man Mouskewitz felt bad when he thought Fievel was cat food, but even he never got quite so upset.

So, River got relegated and everyone was stunned. A huge club, how can this have actually happened. Surely we can't have La Primera without River? Imagine a Premier League without the Manchester United juggernaut for everyone to go up against each week - weird, right?

Well, the evil cats running the sport in Argentina seemed to agree, hence the following report (brought to my attention by long time Sub Please reader and centre back harder to pass than Gandalf, Anthony Barretto):

The AFA (Argentinean FA)has also announced it plans to merge the teams from the country's top two divisions into one next year, combining all 20 from the top flight and 16 or 18 from the second tier.

It is likely that the teams will be divided into regional groups, meaning a reprieve for River Plate who were relegated for the first time in their history at the end of the 2010-2011 season.

My word. How convenient that these new measures should be brought in just at the time when it just so happens that one of their mega clubs would be missing. Nothing to do with the dramatic loss of revenue, interest, prestige and - once more to state the importance - revenue that the Primera fear without one of their biggest assets.

I don't know a great deal about the intricacies of the Argie FA (perhaps I should educate myself instead of watching old 80's animated classics) but my underlying feeling upon hearing this news is a mixture of fatigue and dismay.

Why does the sport we love have to be so inherently corrupt? Is it not utterly depressing to watch the continuing scandal engulfing FIFA, revealing layer upon layer of rotten, underhand filth? Why can't these people just share the passion for the sport that so many of us who are not lucky enough to be professionally involved have? I know it's naive, with the money to be made in football these days it is inevitable that corruption will flourish, but it should not be too much to ask that the people at the top try and do things right.

If I was a fan of any Argentinian club right now, I'd be feeling pretty damn low about this whole affair. What if your club won promotion by rights and have now had that taken away? Even Old Barry HeartAttack would probably rather see his side regain their pride by earning the right to take their place back at the top table, and not have it engineered in this way.

It sucks, and I don't like it. But what can you do? Might as well face it...there are cats in America.

Head of the Argentinian FA, Senor Cat R Waul

All aboard the showboat

Last weekend, UAE striker Awana Diab slotted home a penalty in the closing stages of his team's friendly victory over Lebanon, which extended their lead to 6-2. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Well, yes, actually, it seems some people do.

The reason for this is that this was no ordinary penalty. Take a look. Diab runs up, turns backwards, swings a heel out and - in all fairness - connects rather well, slotting the ball into the bottom corner. The keeper, not wanting to ruin the soon to be viral goal, just sort of stood there. On a Top Trump card he'd be Effort = 0.

Immediately, one or two Lebanese players have a word with our showboating friend. It's after the event though, and perhaps with the link being seen around the world, that things seem to have escalated. Both the manager and the coach (um, guys, pretty sure I could save you 50% on your wage bill there, call me) have condemned Diab for his action, reporting that he may be dropped, fined; or even worse, told to repeat it in the specially arranged fixture away at Milwall.

Showboating measures like these have landed players in trouble in the past - Nani's ball juggling against Arsenal in the FA Cup a couple of years back saw him berated by his club and condemned by many in the press. Obviously this is a high profile example, as Diab's has now become, but in the real world we've all experienced it too I'm sure. On a park pitch or in a sports hall, pulling a stunt like this is most likely going to result in the same response that Nani received from his Arsenal opponents that night. The next tackle that comes you're way, better read it well, as the chances are you're going to get absolutely smashed.

That being said, week in week out players like Leo Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo leave defenders looking stupid with the speed of their feet and the exceptional control they have over the ball. Why then are their actions not berated by fans, pundits and indeed their own employers, such as Diab has suffered following the Backheel Seen Around the World (or BSAW for short)? Copyright on that little acronym, yeah.

What it boils down to is respect.

This penalty, in training or in a testimonial match perhaps, would be greeted with laughter by all involved, and Diab would get a few high fives for pulling it off. But in this context, a competitive match, it is always important to show respect to your opponent - even, and arguably more so, one that you are thrashing. Nani's juggling would not have seemed disrespectful at 0-0 - it would have seemed stupid and probably would have resulted in him getting subbed off by an irate Rudolph. At 4-0, while the crowd 'Ole', eliminating them from the cup, it had an air of disrespect; gloating, mocking and goading the Gunners. Diab's penalty in my opinion is more misguided than openly contemptful, but he has no doubt learned his lesson.

I once played in a Sunday League Men's match where we beat a team 24-0. It was the most one-sided, easiest game ever, the mismatch was just a shame really. We only racked up such a score by maintaining a professional and respectful approach throughout - playing our proper game, and not resorting to backheeled penalties and the like. Sure, our keeper came out for the last 20 minutes and scored a hat-trick, but even that was not laughed about or made too much of a deal of. Far more amusing was the failure of one of our outfield players to score at all. The other team, to their eternal credit, came and had a drink in the clubhouse afterwards - you can be certain that if we had taken every opportunity to showboat and take the mickey (and trust me, there were ample opportunities) they would have been more than happy to kick us up in the air and get off as soon as the whistle blew. Again, it's about respect.

I have been nutmegged before, and it is always annoying, but the response of the player is what determines my response. If they laugh or something like that, I usually sprint after them and commit a foul. If they simply get on with the game having pulled off a trick to get past me, then fair play. I simply sprint after them and commit a foul. I joke, of course, but you get my point. These things are great, and they definitely should not be taken out of the game altogether; but there is a classy way to showboat and there is a scummy way to do it.

Maybe however, we're all just being sensitive - why not rub it in the noses of your opponents, show them how superior you are? The last word on this matter comes from Gina - of Gina's Corner fame - who simply said:

'I hate football but I do like the Showboat bit on Soccer AM...it's good.'

Down to the bare bones

A couple of blogs ago I served up what was described as a bit of a mish-mash. Two weeks later and the world of football has really done very little to help us. This time, kids, we're really feeding on scraps. I know, I know, it's not enough to keep you going, but what do you want me to do? It's like a bloody ghost town out there, I'm forced to latch on to whatever I can to try and come up with something blogworthy and not just a little morsel that won't do anyone any good.

I was going to blog about the innovative/brave/downright godawful abortion that is the new Everton goalkeeper kit with it's camouflage stylings - but the Guardian got there first.

I was going to blog about the incredible relegation of River Plate, one of only a handful of Argentinian teams that I could name, and part of a surely invincible pantheon of international teams. I feared this would be somewhat ill-informed however - I mean, the first I heard of their relegation was when it was one game away, so it would hardly be right for me to attempt to provide any kind of reasoned insight or theory as to why they were struggling. That point of view was exacerbated when I saw this. For me, hearing that River, mighty River were rolling down into the B caused a raised eyebrow, some interested reading, and then on I went with my day. For the gentleman in the video - if he is still alive, inevitable heart failure notwithstanding, this is a pain that will probably be with him the remainder of his days.

I love him though.

The exasperation, the rage, the destruction of inanimate objects (there is one glorious moment where he asks to no-one in particular 'what is this? can i break it?') but above all the involvement he shares with his club - that is impressive. Deranged, sure; but impressive. And if you don't find comedy in it then we're on a different wavelength brother - the fact that he can launch into such an astonishingly vile rant at a TV advert, simply for being on TV, is just glorious, no?

I was going to blog about the Women's World Cup, only the Australian Women's team got knocked out so they completely ignore it now over here. England's women repeating the penalty torment of their men could have been something bloggable, but I failed to develop my theory beyond it being something to do with the badge. Can't exactly blame the enormous media pressure or superstardom for the women can you? Must be the badge then. One of the other musings I struck up was over the obsession Down Under with each team having a nickname. England's senior men's team may often be referred to as the Three Lions, sure - but generally most of the time, they're England. The Under 21's are the catchily named...Under 21's...and so on. Not so over here. Many of you will be familiar with the nickname of the Socceroo's (or the Qantas Socceroo's as it seems you have to call them) but this extends to every team. What's a baby kangaroo called? A Joey. What's the Aussie Under 17 team called? The Joeys. The Under 23 team, eligible for the Olympics? Why, the Olyroo's of course. They even have the Futsalroos, believe it or not. And to bring it all back full circle, the women? The Matilda's.

The topic of stupid names was another thing brought into potential bloggability lately with the birth of the Beckham's first daughter. Harper Seven is, I actually think, not a bad name at all. Harper is a fairly standard kid's name for someone who is most likely going to grow up in LA, and she won't use her middle name anyway - who knows what the other Beckham bambino's middle names are? Plus why not chuck in something that means a lot to DB7, at least she wasn't Harper Twenty-Three. Again, though, not really worthy of an entire blog.

Even the one saving grace in this desolate wasteland of no football, the Copa America, was failing to inspire. It's finally kicking into gear now as it reaches the business end, but the first few games threw up very little in the way of excitement, and the big stars took their time to make their mark. I'll certainly be watching as much of the knockout phase as possible, in the hope that I learn something about Neymar and cram more Messi magic into my head in real time. Trust me, in twenty years time you'll want to say that you saw him play, so make the most of it while you can.

In the end I thought, sod it, you're never going to be able to throw a blog together, so you may as well just put up the one final thing that leapt out over the last week as being of note. It's of note because it's probably the greatest football photograph ever. Forget Pele and Bobby Moore in 1970, forget R9 in his blue and silvers, forget the shot of Maradona taking on all of Belgium alone...forget even the Rooney Ronaldo BJ one. Ladies and gents, I give to you, the greatest football mascot ever. Take a bow son, take a bow...

Oh, and by the way, see what I did there? Blog about how you've got nothing to blog about...genius. 3 weeks until the season starts, hang in there friends.

Allez du shopping

Public Enemy had it right all along - the golden rule of the transfer window is simple: 'Don't Believe The Hype'. Increasingly since the advent of rolling sports news channels who need something to report, and blanket internet coverage with more bandwidth than the 3 pages on Ceefax, the number of rumours about comings and goings across the world of football are just insane.

I tend to go by the simple rule that a player has joined another club when and only when you see them holding up the scarf, doing kick-up's on the hallowed turf of his new employer. Until then, don't get too worked up about it. This position does render the following blog somewhat moot however, since my upcoming missive is based on speculation and not concrete fact.

The speculation in question, is that surrounding the potential exodus from Arsenal. Gael Clichy, the preferred left back of the past 5 years or so has moved to Manchester City, but more significantly there appears to be a mounting likelihood that both Cesc Fabregas and (perhaps less inevitably) Samir Nasri will also be moving on to pastures new before the 2011/12 season. Clichy can be forgotten about, since the existence of a ready made replacement in Kieron Gibbs had already placed his importance to the team in some question. The other two however are rightly regarded as two of Arsene Wenger's most important assets.

Since vanquishing the spectre of Patrick Vieira in an imperious Champions League display to eliminate Paddy V's Juventus, Fabregas has been the talisman of the club and unquestionably their best and most relied-on player. In his absence at the start of last season, it was Nasri who filled the void, producing displays through to Christmas that, if maintained until May, would surely have seen both his and Arsenal’s trophy cabinets with something to end this drought.

Clearly therefore, to lose both of these would be something of a hammer blow to the aspirations of the club. Or would it?

My fear for Arsenal is that Arsene Wenger is going to allow both of these players to leave, and may well fail to reinvest the significant money that will come his way in return. The reason is that Wenger has shown himself to place a huge, almost damaging, amount of faith in the players he has at his disposal, and arguably his own ability to develop promising players into superstars and champions. The evidence is there to support his belief, after all he has done it time and again. This myopia – a word rarely associated with the all-seeing Arsenal manager (ahem) - comes into play when you consider who might fill the void.

Ramsey.

Song.

Wilshere.

Three young players, with increasing amounts of game time and influence over the Arsenal starting 11. Three young players whom Wenger spotted/purchased/inherited at a young age and whom therefore will have him to thank for the eventual playing level that they reach. Three young players furthermore who would actually provide a really rather strong midfield trio that many teams in the Premiership would envy.

This is all well and good, however it is a hell of a lot to place on such young shoulders. Furthermore, whilst it could place the superb Robin VanPersie up front on his own as the focal point, it either removes Walcott and Arshavin from the areas where they can operate with the most threat, or gives Arsenal a serious lack of width. The key point of all though is not related to Wenger's playing staff. It's his medical team.

Arsenal, year after year, have horrendous injury problems with pbscene numbers of first team players out. Players succumb to uber-lengthy lay-offs initially diagnosed as nothing serious. Players are brought back from injury only to sustain another problem straight away. This can't be a coincidence, and questions surely have to be asked about the efficacy of the people paid to keep these players playing. To rely on such a small number of players, with very little in reserve, is a highly risky strategy when history suggest they are all likely to go snap at some point.

So does Wenger spend big, splashing the cash that comes in return for losing these players? Well, he has not done recently so why will he start now? By all accounts, the financial backing is there for Arsene to splurge (horrific mental image just crept in, moving swiftly on) and has been for some years - it's just his faith in the players that prevents him from doing so.

As mentioned above, this is all based on the speculation that Nasri and Fabregas move on, which is by no means guaranteed. If it does come to pass however, then I'd be feeling pretty despondent as a Gooner. Without adequate replacements to bolster the admittedly decent players left behind, this could be a tough year down at the Emirates. Or maybe, just maybe, Arsene Knows...?