The Crystal Ball

With two weeks to go now until the World Cup, below is a list of 10 things you just know will happen:

1) Mild-mannered people will hurl foul profanities at their telly when Andy Townsend speaks. The man who puts the ‘anal’ in analysis, by talking out of his arse at every opportunity. Seems to think that he is catering for a blind audience: “ It’s a great pass there, a lovely touch and then he’s slotted it past the keeper.” Thanks. For. That.

2) Keepers will moan about the ball: it’s too round, it curves too much, I broke a nail – whatever, just stop moaning! They forget that those of us who play at amateur level are force to deal with a sack of balls invariably including Flat Stanley who refuses to accept the air you pump in to him; the Stinger which will remove any skin it comes into contact with, and of course The Rock – deceptively heavy and capable of crushing the vertebrae of any fool who goes for a header.

3) Someone will get themselves a lucrative move to an English club…then do precisely nothing. Kleberson, anyone?

4) Pele will revise his ‘African country to win the world cup by 2000’ to ‘African country to reach the quarter finals by 2010’ and then get all superior and smug when it happens. Yeah, still can’t get it up though can you mate.

5) Men around the world will fall in love with some ludicrously fit fans spotted in the crowds. The absence of Sweden makes this one touch and go admittedly, but expect Brazil to feature heavily.

6) An incident will occur which reignites the debate over goal line technology. There is no bloody debate, it should have been put in place years ago, someone will be the next high-profile victim of this with a Geoff Hurst style did it cross the line decision left to human eyes which have no chance of being completely accurate. Particularly if they are looking at item 5 on this list.

7) Mark Lawrenson will make a ‘joke’ that Motson allows to hang for a few excruciating seconds of silence, to allow the watching public to understand what he's had to put up with for twenty years. Lawro, please stop. Puns on ‘amusing’ foreign names are always the likeliest target for his own brand of ball-achingly bad humour.

8) The biggest cheer during one of England’s uninspiring group games will be when David Beckham is spotted in the crowd and shown on the big screen.

9) One of the underdog nations will go improbably far in the tournament and provide some incredible drama in the process. A lowly Fifa ranking gives Bafana Bafana underdog status but they may surprise; other ‘everyone’s second team’ candidates include Honduras, New Zealand and the always cavalier South Korea. Recent events may have counted against North Korea's chance of picking up the neutral vote...

10) Germany will win a penalty shoot-out.