Chicken Oriental

The writing has been on the wall for years now, things have all been pointing in one direction, all the signs have been there for all to see. Today however, with the frantic culmination of the transfer window in England, it was confirmed: Football has gone mental.

There is no way to my mind it can be argued differently. I understand economics to some vague extent (although a multiple choice ‘Macroeconomics for Business’ exam at Uni remains to this day one of the longest hours of my life, 39% was a miracle) and so I know the rules of demand and supply. If you have something that someone wants, you will be able to get them to pay a higher price for it. Furthermore, if you are aware that the buyer of your coveted item also happens to have significant means, then you are in a position of power and can raise even further the price that you ask for said asset. Finally, if the item is required in a short space of time, then guess what the price goes up ever higher. Added to this is the fact that times change, inflation goes on, prices go up. The 45m paid for Zidane and the 80m for Ronaldo are probably not too far apart once a decade of inflation is factored in.

Even considering all of the above factors, I just can’t stomach the sentence that I am about to type: Liverpool have signed Andy Carroll for £35m. Thirty-Five Million Pounds.

He is young, strong, powerful, and direct. (Just ask any of his ex-girlfriends.) He made an impressive start to his first Premier League season as the main man in Newcastle’s attack – he was just breaking through behind Martins and Owen when the Toon Army were last in the big time, but this time leading the line he has put in some eyecatching performances and scored a reasonable number of goals. He scored a solid number of goals in the Championship last season and was a key factor in his teams march to an emphatic league title.

£15m and you’ve got yourself a deal.

Thirty five is just insanity – it is a ludicrous price to pay for someone who, whilst all the above statements are true, it can also be said: his technique is fundamentally flawed, he does not have the touch, finesse or ‘tekkers’ of any other player that has ever been sold for over £30m. He has only really played for half a season in the Premier League – Amr Zaki set the world alight between August and December not so long ago. Amr who? Ek-Zaki-tly. He is reliant on a style of play that Liverpool were castigated for under their previous manager, and that even King Kenny probably won’t want to advocate for too long. He is a chav, and is always only ever a couple of drinks too many away from dragging his own reputation (and that of his club), through the mud of the tabloids and the courts.

Given the sale of talismanic-if-offcolour striker Fernando Torres to Chelsea, Liverpool had money to spend and a Number Nine shirt to fill. Moreover they needed to make some kind of statement, Hicks and Gillett would have been glad to simply take the money to plug the leaks; but the new owners have to show that things are different and they are moving on up.

Admittedly a strike force of Suarez and Carroll could quite certainly work out well for Liverpool, and it is arguable that they have removed the reliance on one main attacker and replaced him with two decent players. This could well provide a spark for the rest of their season and allow them to salvage something – Europa League for example – from a miserable couple of years. I guess what I’m saying is that I get why the owners wanted to splurge their money in this fashion.

It is just a staggering price for a player that to my mind does not justify the hype – put it this way, if you were Spanish and followed La Liga, you would probably find it hilarious that the English market values a player of Andy Carroll’s ability at £35m. He would not get into any team in the top half of La Liga, and every single defender in the division would be better on the ball than he is. A few games to suss him out and he would be finished. It’s a sad indictment of English football that a player like Carroll is valued so exorbitantly.

Good luck to Liverpool – I’d like to see them back challenging for the league, as the 2008/09 title run-in was the most enjoyable in years in my opinion. A grudging good luck to Carroll – whether I like it or not he is most likely the future of England’s attack alongside Rooney for the foreseeable future (but he is still a scumbag though). And good luck to any millionaire businessman who ever dreamed of one day owning a football club. The stakes are going up all the time, and the prices are out of control.

The final word? Darren Bent for 18m. Doesn’t look such bad business now…